Crazy Jon

Texas A&M Sucks

Just read the article:

Quote:
A sophomore member of Texas A&M University's Parsons Mounted Cavalry was charged Friday with throwing horse feces onto members of the University of Texas band before the A&M-UT football game.

John Richmond Sullivan, 20, was seen by a University Police Department lieutenant throwing a shovel full of horse feces onto band members at Kyle Field at about 10 a.m. Friday, according to an officer's affidavit.

UT band director Robert Carnochan told police that he and the band members did not want to press criminal charges, though they did want Texas A&M to discipline Sullivan, the court documents state.

Sullivan was arrested and charged with criminal mischief because the feces had to be removed by Texas A&M personnel, causing "substantial inconvenience and a pecuniary loss of $50 or more," according to the affidavit. He was released from the Brazos County Jail on Friday afternoon after posting $2,000 bail.

Normally, A&M does not take disciplinary action in a situation like this until an investigation is complete, said David Parrott, dean of student life. But there is no excuse for such behavior, he added.

"We look dimly on any student treating a guest of the university in such a manner that's inconsistent with Aggie values," Parrott said.

Parsons Mounted Cavalry formed in 1973 to revive the legacy of A&M's horse-drawn artillery program. It remains the only collegiate military cavalry unit in the nation.

P.S.

Aggie fans have lost the right to show there faces in public.

As for Mr. Sullivan, I am nearly at a loss, but I shall try.

Son, you deserve an ass whoopin the likes of which even God has never seen. What the hell do they teach you in that half-ass junior college you like to pretend is a real school. You throw a shovel full of shit!!!!!

Good God, man, it's hard enough for those band kids to wear those ugly-ass uniforms, and you throw crap!

And not just a handful, but a shovel full!!!! A whole shovel full of crap!!!

It boggles the mind.

I'm willing to bet this tool enjoys "animal husbandry", and I'm not talking about the science. No wonder he joined the cavalry, it's an easy date.

And what kind of piss ant school has a cavalry!!!!!!!!!!!! Anybody think that in Iraq the troops are saying "Thank God Texas A&M, has drunken morons on horseback!!!!!"

Friends don't let friends be Aggies.

Burgers Gone Bad

The headlines are filled with tragic stories like this….

“Ronald MacDonald Charged With Robbing Wendy's”

http://cbs4boston.com/topstories/local_story_332084152.html

People, it's a sad day when fast food folk can't get along.  Bennigans and Ruby Tuesday's are killing fast food restaurants.  Why, just the other day I saw Wendy herself selling her body for crack.  Apparently she has 13 illegitimate children by the Burger King, but he skipped town.

It's quite sad.  They all have freakishly huge plastic heads.

Let's take a look at some of the other forgotten friends of our youth.

Hamburglar- Gunned down in a drive-by killing, possibly at the hands of the Fry Guys.  Rumor has it that's where the McRibs came from.

Grimace- Died choking on his own vomit after an OD.  They found him lying in a pool of his own filth.

Mayor McCheese- Indicted on corruption charges and serving 6 years in Attica.  I hear he's the Bitch of the leader of the Aryan Nation.

It's a sad day in McDonaldland, which was wiped out by Hurricane Katrina and it citizens left to die by FEMA.

As Kanye West said, "George Bush doesn't care about McDonaldland characters.

Eagle Fans

http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/11/28/eagles.ashes.ap/index.html

We have put up with them for years.  The drunken brawls.  The constant profanity while you are sitting with your kids.  The hurled batteries.  The snowballs at Santa. 

Yes people, I'm talking about Eagle fans.  But this numb nuts takes the cake. 

Now, I love my teams.  I root for them, and I'm happy when they win.  But I will not go to that special pound me in the ass jail that in Philly just to throw ashes on the  field.  Seriously, I think this guy is mentally disabled.

"Hmmmm, Mom is dead, maybe I should get my self busted at an Eagles game!"

Mom would be proud.

Not to mention that in this post-9/11 (I hate that term) world, it's not the brightest thing to run onto the field at a major sporting event and start throwing an unidentified powder around!  Do that crap in DC and they shoot you and strip search the rest of us!

Please, Iggle Fans, we're asking nicely.  No more of this "we're drunken assholes" act.  Stop acting like a biker when you're an accountant from the suburbs.

Besides, you'll never top Raider fans for sheer perversity.  Just give up.

The Pride of Kansas

Apparently one of those "once secret, but now public domain knowledge" CIA prisons was at the KU Chapter of the Phi Kappa Theta fraternity.

Courtesy of the KCStar:

http://www.kansascity.com/mld/kansascity/news/local/13229111.htm

"...the plaintiffs were deprived of sleep, food and meals; subjected to physical, psychological and verbal abuse; forced to consume “live animals and other undesirable substances” and to have bodily contact with human feces and urine; and subjected to forced confinement and to sleeping in overcrowded quarters and to sexual harassment."

Or maybe it was just a "future interrogators of America" training camp instead...

Courtesy of the Lawrence Journal World:

"“Look, this isn’t what I would qualify as Guantanamo Bay-type torture.  These aren’t CIA interrogation tactics, but clearly at least what I consider pretty offensive, over-the-top hazing,” said Charles Schimmel, an attorney who is representing the four men in a lawsuit filed in Douglas County District Court. “All of these guys feel very betrayed and very upset.”

http://www2.ljworld.com/news/2005/nov/18/former_pledges_allege_hazing/?ku_news

But this does raise the question, would these guys have been suing if they had gotten in?  Just what exactly does dignity go for these days?

Jesus People!  When I was in school hazing just meant drinking obscene amounts of beer and participating in some bizarre form of a race.  Now it seems that you can't be a frat boy without reenacting half the scenes from "Caligula".

Pledge: "I'd like to join your fraternity, please."

Rush Chairman: "Certainly, just shove this pineapple up your ass and have sex with a raccoon and you're in!"

Makes me wonder if these guys were taught "Intelligent Design".  You're on thin ice, Kansas. 

http://mysportsradio.com/?cat=60

http://mysportsradio.com/?cat=67

A Follow Up to Our Post on Ass Glue Man

Here's the original.

http://nicco.blogs.com/jon/2005/11/what_i_learned_.html

Here's a followup to this story:

http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/11/08/toilet.man.ap/

Basically, it's believed that it's either a hoax in which he's trying to get a lot of money or he's REALLY, REALLY dumb.

"A man who sued Home Depot last month claiming a prank left him glued to a toilet seat made a similar allegation about another restroom more than a year ago, an official told a newspaper."

Now, I want to put out a third theory.  That this poor man is the victim of a serial Ass-gluer.  Dear God, the Ass-gluer could have been stalking him for years, waiting for the perfect opportunity to seal his rectum to the can during a little quality time.

What if this is an epidemic?  Will we soon see scores of victims crying out in anguish from facilities all over this Nation?  Will this mighty land be felled by our fear of glue attack during a bowel movement?

Dear God, it's terrifying.

Stupidity in Kansas

A Biology teacher in the state of Kansas...beat out by Manure Inspector and Lab Rat.  Personally, I think that manure inspector is getting a bum rap...

http://www.popsci.com/popsci/science/806ffb24a5f27010vgnvcm1000004eecbccdrcrd/8.html

People, I think it's time we take drastic measures.  We need to remove Kansas from the US.

The Chiefs and Royals can live on the Missouri side of KC, and we'll build a huge wall around the state.  It can't be that hard, the place is a rectangle.  We must do everything we can to stop the stupidity festering in this place from boiling over and infecting the non-dipshit population of America.

Hell, even the Deep South is laughing at these Melon Heads.

My friends, my must stop the infection of stupidity by severing the diseased limb.  And that limb is Kansas.

You know what truly freaks me out?  This is not a fringe movement, but the ELECTED STATE BOARD OF EDUCATION.  That means that these douchebags are considered to be the SMART ONES in Kansas.

What's next?  Denial of gravity?  Rejection of the theory that you need air to breathe?  Carl Everett for Governor? (if you don't get the reference, google Carl Everett and Dinosaur- you'll be glad you did)

We need a wall, people.  A big, stinking wall.   

Big Pimpin', Gov't Style!!!!!!!!!!!!

A technical writer for government contractors can earn $131 an hour from
from the Federal Gov't?!  I should've learned how to use that stupid semi-colon.

As if anyone's surprised why Gov't contracting firms were making big
dollars during the last 5 years and why we have $400 million dollar deficits
each year.  Hope no one has any Unisys stock out there....

http://www.fcw.com/article91189-10-24-05-Web&RSS=yes

Holy craptasticals!!!!  What the hell am I doing wasting time on podcasts.  I gotta go be a freakin' government writer.  You just know that Unisys employees are up to there asses in coke and strippers. 

Party on contractor!!!!!

Waaaay Too Close for Comfort

I wonder how detailed the statistics are.  Are they broken down by #1,
#2?  How about tooth-brushing after lunch?

Here's a thought.  If you're worried about using time efficiently, wouldn't it be better to stop conducting mindless studies and micro-managing......

From CNN.com:

"In today's competitive environment, it is important that Michigan Truck
plant immediately address this concern to avoid the risks associated with
safety, quality, delivery, cost and morale," the memo said, according to the
paper's report.

The paper reported that the memo also warns that Ford supervisors will
begin collecting weekly data on the amount of time workers spend on bathroom breaks and "respond appropriately."

Look people, you think there have been labor problems in the past, try screwing w/ a man's personal time w/ his sports page.  Dear God, they're asking for a riot. 

And how do they do this?  Will there be a guy with a stopwatch standing outside the stall?  Will you have to clock in and out before pinching a loaf? 

This is way too close to a Dilbert cartoon.

What I Learned in the News Today….

Look before you sit down on that toilet seat….

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051103/ap_on_fe_st/toilet_seat_lawsuit

My question is, didn't this guy notice anything a bit wet when he sat down?  I don't know about you, but I generally take that as cause for alarm.

Not only that, but I also try to at least take a cursory glance at the facilities before cheek meets seat.  I'm a guy.  I know what to expect from other guys.  Especially in public restrooms.  If you ladies think we're bad about leaving the seat up at home, you should see what some guys do after leaving it down in public. 

Honestly, sometimes it's like there was somebody trying to put out a fire.  Nasty business.

But I digress.  I'm wondering if this guy didn't glue his own but cheeks.  Stranger things have happened.

This weeks, top 10 rants from as spoken by the Bitter Old Man

1) Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde         
    teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
    kids: lucky bastards!

2) Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
   eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.  Besides most of
   us don’t make it up past the cleavage.

3) There's no such thing as flavored water.  There's a whole aisle of this crap
    at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.  Sorry, but
    flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?  Pour some
    scotch over ice and let it melt.  That's your flavored water.

4) Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle
    that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by
    the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.

    Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

5) The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you
    walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
    iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
    with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

6) I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my
    PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't
    want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be
    ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I
    don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle
    Nine!

7) Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN
    recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching
    those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. Now
    competitive drinking…that’s a sport.  Surely there’s some ratings in the
    competitive Ice Luge?!

8) I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts
    and eat two.

9) If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television
    shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we
    can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
    something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good
    enough to be a movie.

10) No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now
     it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.

     Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
     isn't gift giving, it's the white collar version of looting.